One of the first things I went about doing after my ex-husband and I split up seven years ago was trying to re-discover who the “real me” was.  Painful as it was, I was forced to admit to myself that I had compromised a lot of my core values in an effort to keep the peace, avoid conflict, and to try to make him happy.  It started off with little things such as not speaking up when he’d turn off a program I was watching on television and later became much bigger things such as me refusing to grow a backbone to stand up for what I believed was right when some of his lifestyle choices completely clashed with my own value and belief system.  Sure, I opened my mouth and voiced my opinion… but I never held his feet to the fire when I would draw a proverbial line in the sand and he would proceed to cross it.  The only time that I ever stood strong in my resolve, the only time my resolve ever caused him any discomfort, was when I finally had been pushed to my breaking point and I declared I wanted a divorce and this time didn’t back down.

If I’m being honest, our divorce probably should have happened years before it actually did.  If I’m being even more honest, I would be forced to admit we never should have married in the first place.

Back then, it was difficult for me to gauge what “normal” should be within a relationship.  The only examples of relationships I ever really had in my life were fairy tales and my parents, both of which were extreme opposites of one another and neither one entirely healthy or realistic when it comes to real life.  In real life, men do not behave the way Prince Charming does in Cinderella, nor do “real” men resemble the storybook quintessential bad boy named Christian Gray.  And looking to my parents to teach by example was a disaster also.  However, in the beginning, I did succeed in encompassing the Freudian theory that all girls grow up to be women that marry men like their fathers.  My ex-husband shared many of the same characteristics as the dad who raised me.  Both suffered from addictions, both were controlling, and both were only flexible in their resolves when they were forced to be.  Just as my mother did, without consciously realizing it at the time, I sought out someone who would “take care” of me in the same way she did with my dad that raised me.  Back then, it felt “normal” for me to be told what I should do, to be given orders, and to feel as though my opinion was meaningless when decisions were made, because that is the way I grew up.

It was only after the discomfort of my situation became too great to bear that I began to question whether my marriage was healthy.

As my oldest daughter approached the same age I had been when my biological parents divorced, I went through a quarter-life crisis of sorts.  I was extremely uncomfortable with my marriage and the way I had chosen to “settle” in my life, but yet I was terrified to leave my marriage because I was convinced that if I did, I would sentence my daughter to grow up the same way I did.  I sought out a counselor and worked through these issues, and eventually I was able to break free.

Since getting remarried, however, I find myself falling prey to some of the same unhealthy behaviors I was guilty of in my first marriage.  Sometimes I choose to remain silent on issues I know I should speak up about.  Often I tell myself that I do this because I am attempting to avoid an argument.  However, when I tell myself that, I need to realize that, at least this time, I am lying to myself.  My current husband is nothing like my first husband.  With my current husband, when we have opposing views on a topic, we have an excellent ability to talk it through and compromise on most issues.  Unless it is an item from an extremely short list of “hot topics” that cause one of us to see red and throw all rationale out the window, we are usually great listeners with one another.  Even when we disagree, we still listen.  We try to understand each other’s opposing point of view even if we refuse to be persuaded by it.  With this effort to understand, we have a solid sense of respect and thus, our marriage, while far from perfect, is extremely solid and filled with trust, empathy and understanding.

However, I sometimes forget this.  I keep silent and then begin to build a chip on my shoulder because things are unfolding in a manner I disagree with.  As if I expect my husband to be able to read my mind and know when I am unhappy with a situation.

As I have learned from past experience, if you remain silent for too long, eventually you begin to lose that little piece of your identity.  If you go along with the status quo, eventually you convince yourself that this is a conviction you hold when it is not.  After a period of time, you begin to look in the mirror and see a virtual stranger staring back at you.  You wonder, “How did my life ever come to this?”

Have you ever gotten into a heated argument with a partner that was sparked by something mundane such as a pair of shoes being left out, the toilet seat being up when it should be down, or squeezing the tube of toothpaste in the wrong spot?  Crazy heated arguments sparked by innocuous topics such as these have nothing to do with the topic that started the argument.  These arguments are often really about something that has been left unsaid within the relationship that has caused resentment to build and then it explodes into a knock-down-drag-out fight over something stupid.

To keep relationships strong, we must summon the courage to speak up and to remain assertive.  If your partner cannot handle this within you, then it comes time to make a difficult decision to decide whether you should continue to waste time on someone who cannot value you and your opinions.  We live in a diverse world.  We won’t always share the same opinions on issues.  However, just because we have differing positions on a topic does not necessarily negate our ability to be friends, partners and lovers.  We can learn to tolerate differences in one another… we can learn to respect others’ convictions even when they do not mirror our own.  And we can learn to be better people as a result.